“I have found happiness around people that I know love me.”
I grew up with both parents in active addiction, and they were abusive towards each other. My Dad suffered from Type 1 diabetes, and the drugs quickly shut his body and his organs down. Before I knew it, I was only 16 and had lost my dad. After my dad passed away, I moved out of my home and away from my mom because she was bitter, angry, and became abusive. At 16, when I left home, I moved out and began working on my own. I began what I believed was only a minor start of my addiction. I began using marijuana. I met a man and got pregnant with my first son at age 17. He started abusing me verbally, and then it progressed into mental and physical abuse. Fourteen months after my son was born, I was constantly taking abuse in multiple ways. I then got pregnant with my daughter, who I found out during the pregnancy would have Down Syndrome and would not develop normally.
During my pregnancy, I was still being abused. When I was seven months pregnant, I learned that my fiancé was cheating on me. I tried to run to the house and pack my things to get away, but he caught me by the head and snatched me, brutally beat me, and drug me down the road with a car. All of this caused me to go into premature labor with my daughter, who had only developed to 4 months despite me being seven months pregnant, so she was stillborn.
Even though I wanted to die myself, I summoned the courage to come face-to-face with him to ask him how he slept at night. He responded, “He doesn’t.” That’s when he gave me a drug, meth, that would keep me awake. My life became more of a nightmare after that. I became addicted to it because I was using it to stay awake so I did not have to live with the nightmares. I hated meth because it is what my dad used and contributed to his death. One time during one of my meth highs, I went to the hospital looking for my daughter. They admitted me to the hospital because I had a mental breakdown. They sent me to a mental hospital, and that is how I was able to escape the abusive relationship.
After leaving the mental hospital, I managed to stay clean for 19 months, and then I relapsed on meth. Around three years after I had left the previous relationship while still struggling with my addiction, my 2nd son was born.
It took being arrested and nearly facing a sentence of going to prison to help me see that I needed to make some changes in my life. I started going to church at the jail and began praying. Later, I was told that they had changed my sentence to going to rehab instead of facing a prison sentence. I was then handed an application to the Rescue Mission of Middle Georgia.
Since coming here, I have found happiness around people that I know love me. I previously used drugs to survive the pain, and I pretended to be happy. I have found out that I don’t need anything more than God and His love. I have found people who accept me for who I am, and more every day, I am beginning to accept myself in ways that I never thought were possible. I can love myself. I have found coping mechanisms, especially through journaling. While growing up, I played guitar and sang gospel music, and since being here, my joy for that has returned.
After I graduate from the Rescue Mission, I plan to show my two sons that their mother has changed and is now a God-fearing woman. I have made mistakes, but I never have to feel like a disappointment that will never get anything right again.
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