“I felt like I had nothing left to give.”
After finding my daddy deceased on the bathroom floor from an accidental drug overdose, I blamed myself. I didn’t know Jesus and formed a hateful resentment and distorted view of Him. I felt like I was not deserving of love, and I lost myself, numbed my feelings, and found comfort in escaping by using many different drugs. My self-sabotage ruined many good relationships. Every day, I felt like I was fighting for my life, constantly fighting to survive, but it was really me trying to deal with the self-hate I had for myself. I encountered many different types of abuse in my relationships with men. I felt like I was too far gone to deserve a decent relationship and even further from a God-given relationship; one that my soul desperately desired. So many nights, I drowned in tears of frustration. I wondered if I would ever feel love for myself before it was too late, not knowing if my rock bottom would be me 6 feet under. Would my children have to question how much I loved them, because I did not even know how to love myself? I became homeless, and my family’s trust was ruined because of the endless cycle of self-sabotage.
I’ve been in and out of many rehabs. It wasn’t until I came to the Rescue Mission, that I realized I needed and was desperately seeking a relationship with the only one that was real, and that was Jesus Christ. Before coming to The Rescue Mission, I had also lost my grandbaby, son-in-law, and ex-fiancé of 14 years, all in the same week. I felt like I had nothing left to give. Coming from a human perspective, I had no strength to go on. I did not know Jesus, because all the guilt and misery weighed me down.
I learned bravery by working to put the pieces of my life and identity back together. God uses the bad in our lives for our good; it is all in the details. I thought that I was buried, but what He did was plant me where He wanted me to be so that I would have the opportunity to grow and find my true identity and value. I have finally experienced true love, and for the very first time, I love myself. I try to do what pleases Jesus and is best for my family and myself now. I am no longer the meek and timid girl; I have blossomed and discovered that I am so different now. I am a warrior of my one true King! Nothing can tear me apart again, because I won’t allow it.
I still have some tough days. It’s life. Life will still have storms, but I have a light that I focus on that leads the way: I follow Jesus Christ. I believe in myself, because I know I was made for so much more than to be a lost cause. I know I have found my place and home with a big, loving family God has blessed me with. I will keep fighting the good fight with my newfound courage in Jesus Christ leading the way. I am a mixture of glorious strength, determination, and resiliency.
The way I live my life today is to be thankful for yesterday, be grateful for today, and always have hope for tomorrow. That is something I tell myself every day. I will look in the mirror daily and say, “You go, girl! You did it! I love you! I’m proud of you!” I look at myself and smile, knowing I can face any fire or storm as the warrior God has created me to be.
After graduation, I plan to transition here and live my best life. I want to go back to school. I plan to be the mother, grandmother, and godly example that my four children and two grandbabies (one who is Heaven) need me to be and lead them in the light and love of Jesus. I want to find a good, down-to-earth church to attend. Even if I am sometimes broken, I will forever remember who I am…His child. He gives me strength, and I will face every day headstrong, ten toes down, and brave.
My soul has learned the hard lessons to become the person I need to be and love tomorrow. This road is mine with Jesus alone. While others may walk this journey with me, no one can walk it for me. God has had His hand on me this whole time. I am grateful that I am teachable. I am learning that every lesson isn’t that I have done something wrong, but sometimes I have done something right. I want to be an instrument for Jesus, for His purpose. Even when it feels uncomfortable; it will be okay, because I can trust Jesus Christ. His way is the right and only way. Whatever I put in is what I will get back: that is growth. I plan to use the tools I have been given here at the Mission, be wise, and seek Jesus.
Jeremiah 29:13 states, “If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.”
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